Its been a long while since I have blogged or even thought about blogging. My life seems a whirlwind lately. None of it truly worthy of blogging about, and some of it far too confidential.
The last few weeks, I have been overshadowed by a darkness. A cloud that often covers me, unrecognized. A cloud of broken, and dashed dreams.. and such an uneasy feeling. A life unfulfilled and lacking. I've been in a slump. I have given up on God, relationships, creativity or anything that makes me feel alive. I am literally a walking zombie at times. I don't know how I allow myself to once again fall into this phase of being. When I finally shake myself, and realize what I have become.. and how I am living, it is always a shock to me.
I am feeling better this week, and am relying on the Lord again, and reaching out for help (crawling out of this pit). I still feel groggy and somewhat spiritually sleepy and unmotivated. Lord, help me!
Our dreams to move to Oregon have been slaughtered time and time again. Only to somehow, resurface. Each time stronger than the time before. I still somehow know it to be our destiny. I have checked myself, prayed and fasted about it, and never felt like it was a desire of my flesh. I strongly feel God has placed these feelings within my heart. For His purpose. Yet, there is always a "hold" in the process of getting there. My heart wants it so bad. And part of me is murmuring in this desert of mine, as I feel I have been more than faithful and patient. I am like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, and while doing so, I plummet.
I have been doing some reflection in the last couple of weeks. And I see now, that the part of me that longs for Oregon, just wants simplicity. Wants a life free of distraction, one that has more time for things that are important to me. One that is healthier, more God sufficient, one with less money, less debt, farther from this world system, simpler, closer to His earth, closer to society, yet still secluded and set apart for Him. And set apart for prayer & intercession. Its hard to explain.
I know that He is doing a work in me, and until He is finished, I may not see this destiny fulfilled. I need to allow Him to finish this good work that He has started in me.
Also I think that the reason I despise this world system, and modern society so much, is because I am NOT supposed to feel comfortable here. I am supposed to feel like a stranger. An alien. Not of this world. Set apart. Lonely in fact. Sacrificing all. Picking up my cross. And that is where I am. Yet He comforts me in this. It is full of sadness though at times.. to see those around me completely absorbed in this life. Unaware of what they have become, also. I want so much to break myself from this current system of chaos. One that distracts us from what is truly important. Yet, I know I have to be in communion and covenant with those that are absorbed and entangled by it. Truth be told, I am uncomfortable at times with this!
Lord, help me to learn to deal with what is required of me. And I know you DO have requirements! Regardless of what those say who deny this fact. Because they refuse to submit.
I heard a song this morning that I hope is my personal anthem. Here are the lyrics:
Cory Asbury - album: My Beloved
Verse 1:
I peel my hands away from earthly things,
God, I turn my eyes away from all these worthless things,
I lay down honor and fame, I'm sick of building my own name,
Lord, let everything I do be for Your glory and Your fame,
Don't wanna be building castles outta sand, cuz I know that they won't stand,
In the wake of the judgment set to come from Your hand,
When all wood hay and stubble will be burned away,
Cuz all flesh is fading fast, only Your word remains
F#m
I've counted the cost; I count it all as loss, for the sake of knowing You.
Until that day, when I see You face to face, find me taking up my cross!
I lay it all down, that I'd be found, a pleasing sacrifice,
I'm living for another day, living for another age, Your kingdom come on earth!
Verse 2:
I say goodbye to my father, my mother
I cling to You and You alone, I'll have no other,
This one thing I do, I leave it all behind,
Cuz You said if I searched, then its You that I would find,
I fight the fight of faith, I run the race,
Just give me grace, that I could seek Your face,
So until the day that I die, I'll be living my life,
So in the end when You return, I'll obtain the prize,
Chorus:
F#m
I've counted the cost; I count it all as loss, for the sake of knowing You.
Until that day, when I see You face to face, find me taking up my cross!
I lay it all down, that I'd be found, a pleasing sacrifice,
I'm living for another day, living for another age, Your kingdom come on earth!
Tag:
F#m
One day He's gonna split the sky, One day Hes gonna come for His bride,
I know it, I know it, I know it, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3RTg3vBLHE
